STEPHEN DIXON
6:41 PM
1 comments
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
POLITE QUIET BEASTS EXERCISING
at 2 o'clock on tuesday the gym is quiet.
the homeless rabbit is here.
her hair is dyed black on bottom and bleached blonde on top.
her mouth moves in and out like a rabbit.
she is quiet.
she is sitting with a two-liter bottle of diet coke watching a small television on mute with captions.
she has been here watching television for three hours.
she is the homeless rabbit.
exercising on an eliptical machine across from the homeless rabbit is chubby moby
he is wearing a bright orange shirt and black rimmed glasses
he watches television with captions while listening to an ipod
moby is small and skinny and wears clean new balance shoes
chubby moby is very tall and a little chubby and wears clean new puma shoes
he is always grimacing in pain
he only comes here on friday
friday is chubby moby day
at 6 o'clock two white trash beast friends walk on treadmils together
they are not quiet and polite
today the beast friends bring one of their grandsons
the grandson is a small beast and is acting like an asshole
the grandma beast says 'if you run out of my sight one more time i am going to tell your mother to beat your ass when we get home'
the grandson then sits quietly and reads 'cosmopolitan' magazine from the magazine rack in the corner
the white trash beasts continue walking
one beast says 'i think i am going to eat a turkey sandwich with ranch dressing tonight'
the other beast says 'that sounds good, i think weightwatchers says that is okay'
after exercising chubby moby drives to his apartment and opens the door and walks inside
chubby moby walks to the kitchen counter where his laptop computer is and checks myspace
he has no new friend requests and no new messages
chubby moby looks up from the computer very bored
it is 9 p.m. on friday night
chubby moby lives alone with a 50 gallon fish tank
on the way to his fish tank to feed the fish chubby moby trips on a self-help book for weight-loss and falls toward the fish tank
to avoid knocking the fish tank over chubby moby turns very quickly away from the fish tank while still in the air and falls onto his coffee table breaking the glass and knocking over two half-filled gas station cups of diet mountain dew, three mostly-eaten paper containers of fish sandwiches from burger king, five half-used containers of barbeque sauce from wendy's, one half-filled 24 oz cup of coffee, a stack of DVDs from hollywood video including four jet li movies and two steven seagal movies, and an opened but unused package of optimum slim organic cereal
chubby moby is laying facedown on the coffee table bleeding from the glass and wet from the barbeque sauce, diet mountain dew, and coffee in a contorted position with his right arm under his body with the hands on the left side of the body, his left arm behind his head, his right leg bent under his body with the knee putting pressure on his chest, and his left leg behind him with the foot on the carpet
'fuck' chubby moby thinks calmly
on mid-saturday afternoon the gym is calm
one of the white trash beasts shows up
a half an hour later the other white trash beast shows up
they usually walk next to each other on the treadmills
today they are four treadmills apart
the white trash beast who came a half and hour later still wants to talk to her white trash beast friend
she yells 'how are you doing pat? are you going to the weight watchers meeting tonight?'
the other beast says 'no i have been very bad this week, i can't go there'
the beast replies 'bobby has only been doing it for two weeks and she's already lost 16 pounds'
the beasts cell phone rings. while she is talking loudly on her cell phone the other beast thinks about her week. she thinks about the bulk case of otis spunkmeyer blueberry muffins she bought from sam's club. each muffin has 700 calories. in three days, the case was gone. this morning while shitting she calculates the weight watcher points she has consumed. 'that was 1,000 weight watcher points' she thinks. 'shit' she thinks.
the beast pat is in her living room on the sofa saturday morning watching the news on TV
her husband is in the kitchen microwaving a piece of pizza
the beast yells from the living room 'i'm going to play tennis with carol today'
a few minutes later the beast yells 'did you hear me? i'm playing tennis today, i'm going to call carol, do we have tennis rackets? where did you put those tennis rackets i used last summer?'
the husband is eating his pizza, he doesn't know who carol is, he isn't listening
he is only thinking that he needs to leave the kitchen soon to go to the back porch and then get in the car and drive somewhere before the beast gets up and sees him and tries to talk to him more
the beast yells 'that pizza smells good, what's the number for pizza hut michael? are they open right now?'
the beast yells her husband's name a few more times in the next twenty minutes then lays on the sofa and falls asleep on her back and a few minutes later begins to snore
a slightly chubby party beast is walking on a treadmil
she is wearing a giant t-shirt with the bottom tied tight around her waist
the t-shirt says 'support your local strip club'
she has her headphones plugged into the television and is watching 'american idol'
a short quiet beast with dyed black hair is walking next to her
the short quiet beast looks over at her nervously and thinks 'is she a stripper? i hope she is a stripper'
the short quiet beast would like to be a stripper but is afraid she is too fat and has only stripped before going into the shower. she often runs on the treadmill, occasionally glancing over at the party beast thinking 'how do they know how to pole dance? do they train them at the strip club? i'll never be a stripper. i am so fucked'
a skinny beast with a neutral facial expression is riding a bike
the bike says 'turbo' on it six times in different places
the skinny beast gets off his bike and takes a picture of the word 'turbo' and sends it to the short quiet beast
the short quiet beast looks at the picture with a neutral facial expression and sends a text message to the skinny beast that says 'jealous'
the skinny beast rides his bike home and drinks a smoothie with filtered water, organic bananas, organic spinach, and organic pumpkin seeds
a large inventor beast walks into the kitchen with a concentrating facial expression
the skinny beast looks at the large inventor beast but the large inventor beast doesn't see the skinny beast
the large inventor beast walks out of the kitchen
at 10 p.m. the gym closes and the homeless rabbit walks out
she walks 1 1/2 miles to price chopper and sits in the dining area
she holds her 2-liter bottle of diet-coke in her lap and watches the price chopper tv
moby is riding in a convertible with gwen stefani who is standing and gyrating her hips
dance music is playing
moby steps out of the convertible with a combination of 'sexy' and 'neutral' facial expression
moby is wearing a fake white mink fur scarf
the homeless rabbit has wide calm eyes and a concerned facial expression
the homeless rabbit goes to the produce section and looks at the organic bananas with wide calm eyes while thinking about riding in a convertible with a giant gyrating 2-liter bottle of diet-coke
on thursday morning the small canadian jujitsu beast is lifting weights in the basement floor of the gym
the small canadian jujitsu beast plays bass in a band
next to him is a large fraternity beast wearing a shirt that says 'looking 4 a memorable one night stand'
for breakfast the large fraternity beast drank a 'muscle milk' smoothie made with articial and natural flavors and whey protein
for breakfast the small canadian jujitsu beast drank a smoothie made out of organic unsweetened soymilk, blueberries, a banana, apple, and organic hemp seed protein powder
the large fraternity beast is lifting an 80 pound weight while grinning
the small canadian jujitsu beast lifts a 120 pound weight and stares with a neutral expression
the small canadian jujitsu beast puts down the weight and thinks calmy to himself 'victory'
the large fraternity beast feels embarrassed
at night chubby moby touches himself while looking at the ceiling with a neutral expression
at night the homeless rabbit takes a train to new york city to walk around and look at things
at night the white trash beasts sleep in front of a glowing tv screen showing an informercial for 'the ultimate collection of chart topping classic southern rock hits'
at night the skinny beast types emails to the quiet beast while listening to a frustrated person sing 'i'm not proud of being a man'
at night the inventor beast stares at a giant bathroom wall covered with mirrors and thinks 'i have not learned enough'
at night the quiet beast stops itself from crying over past mistakes and thinks about the possibility of change then quietly falls asleep
the homeless rabbit is here.
her hair is dyed black on bottom and bleached blonde on top.
her mouth moves in and out like a rabbit.
she is quiet.
she is sitting with a two-liter bottle of diet coke watching a small television on mute with captions.
she has been here watching television for three hours.
she is the homeless rabbit.
exercising on an eliptical machine across from the homeless rabbit is chubby moby
he is wearing a bright orange shirt and black rimmed glasses
he watches television with captions while listening to an ipod
moby is small and skinny and wears clean new balance shoes
chubby moby is very tall and a little chubby and wears clean new puma shoes
he is always grimacing in pain
he only comes here on friday
friday is chubby moby day
at 6 o'clock two white trash beast friends walk on treadmils together
they are not quiet and polite
today the beast friends bring one of their grandsons
the grandson is a small beast and is acting like an asshole
the grandma beast says 'if you run out of my sight one more time i am going to tell your mother to beat your ass when we get home'
the grandson then sits quietly and reads 'cosmopolitan' magazine from the magazine rack in the corner
the white trash beasts continue walking
one beast says 'i think i am going to eat a turkey sandwich with ranch dressing tonight'
the other beast says 'that sounds good, i think weightwatchers says that is okay'
after exercising chubby moby drives to his apartment and opens the door and walks inside
chubby moby walks to the kitchen counter where his laptop computer is and checks myspace
he has no new friend requests and no new messages
chubby moby looks up from the computer very bored
it is 9 p.m. on friday night
chubby moby lives alone with a 50 gallon fish tank
on the way to his fish tank to feed the fish chubby moby trips on a self-help book for weight-loss and falls toward the fish tank
to avoid knocking the fish tank over chubby moby turns very quickly away from the fish tank while still in the air and falls onto his coffee table breaking the glass and knocking over two half-filled gas station cups of diet mountain dew, three mostly-eaten paper containers of fish sandwiches from burger king, five half-used containers of barbeque sauce from wendy's, one half-filled 24 oz cup of coffee, a stack of DVDs from hollywood video including four jet li movies and two steven seagal movies, and an opened but unused package of optimum slim organic cereal
chubby moby is laying facedown on the coffee table bleeding from the glass and wet from the barbeque sauce, diet mountain dew, and coffee in a contorted position with his right arm under his body with the hands on the left side of the body, his left arm behind his head, his right leg bent under his body with the knee putting pressure on his chest, and his left leg behind him with the foot on the carpet
'fuck' chubby moby thinks calmly
on mid-saturday afternoon the gym is calm
one of the white trash beasts shows up
a half an hour later the other white trash beast shows up
they usually walk next to each other on the treadmills
today they are four treadmills apart
the white trash beast who came a half and hour later still wants to talk to her white trash beast friend
she yells 'how are you doing pat? are you going to the weight watchers meeting tonight?'
the other beast says 'no i have been very bad this week, i can't go there'
the beast replies 'bobby has only been doing it for two weeks and she's already lost 16 pounds'
the beasts cell phone rings. while she is talking loudly on her cell phone the other beast thinks about her week. she thinks about the bulk case of otis spunkmeyer blueberry muffins she bought from sam's club. each muffin has 700 calories. in three days, the case was gone. this morning while shitting she calculates the weight watcher points she has consumed. 'that was 1,000 weight watcher points' she thinks. 'shit' she thinks.
the beast pat is in her living room on the sofa saturday morning watching the news on TV
her husband is in the kitchen microwaving a piece of pizza
the beast yells from the living room 'i'm going to play tennis with carol today'
a few minutes later the beast yells 'did you hear me? i'm playing tennis today, i'm going to call carol, do we have tennis rackets? where did you put those tennis rackets i used last summer?'
the husband is eating his pizza, he doesn't know who carol is, he isn't listening
he is only thinking that he needs to leave the kitchen soon to go to the back porch and then get in the car and drive somewhere before the beast gets up and sees him and tries to talk to him more
the beast yells 'that pizza smells good, what's the number for pizza hut michael? are they open right now?'
the beast yells her husband's name a few more times in the next twenty minutes then lays on the sofa and falls asleep on her back and a few minutes later begins to snore
a slightly chubby party beast is walking on a treadmil
she is wearing a giant t-shirt with the bottom tied tight around her waist
the t-shirt says 'support your local strip club'
she has her headphones plugged into the television and is watching 'american idol'
a short quiet beast with dyed black hair is walking next to her
the short quiet beast looks over at her nervously and thinks 'is she a stripper? i hope she is a stripper'
the short quiet beast would like to be a stripper but is afraid she is too fat and has only stripped before going into the shower. she often runs on the treadmill, occasionally glancing over at the party beast thinking 'how do they know how to pole dance? do they train them at the strip club? i'll never be a stripper. i am so fucked'
a skinny beast with a neutral facial expression is riding a bike
the bike says 'turbo' on it six times in different places
the skinny beast gets off his bike and takes a picture of the word 'turbo' and sends it to the short quiet beast
the short quiet beast looks at the picture with a neutral facial expression and sends a text message to the skinny beast that says 'jealous'
the skinny beast rides his bike home and drinks a smoothie with filtered water, organic bananas, organic spinach, and organic pumpkin seeds
a large inventor beast walks into the kitchen with a concentrating facial expression
the skinny beast looks at the large inventor beast but the large inventor beast doesn't see the skinny beast
the large inventor beast walks out of the kitchen
at 10 p.m. the gym closes and the homeless rabbit walks out
she walks 1 1/2 miles to price chopper and sits in the dining area
she holds her 2-liter bottle of diet-coke in her lap and watches the price chopper tv
moby is riding in a convertible with gwen stefani who is standing and gyrating her hips
dance music is playing
moby steps out of the convertible with a combination of 'sexy' and 'neutral' facial expression
moby is wearing a fake white mink fur scarf
the homeless rabbit has wide calm eyes and a concerned facial expression
the homeless rabbit goes to the produce section and looks at the organic bananas with wide calm eyes while thinking about riding in a convertible with a giant gyrating 2-liter bottle of diet-coke
on thursday morning the small canadian jujitsu beast is lifting weights in the basement floor of the gym
the small canadian jujitsu beast plays bass in a band
next to him is a large fraternity beast wearing a shirt that says 'looking 4 a memorable one night stand'
for breakfast the large fraternity beast drank a 'muscle milk' smoothie made with articial and natural flavors and whey protein
for breakfast the small canadian jujitsu beast drank a smoothie made out of organic unsweetened soymilk, blueberries, a banana, apple, and organic hemp seed protein powder
the large fraternity beast is lifting an 80 pound weight while grinning
the small canadian jujitsu beast lifts a 120 pound weight and stares with a neutral expression
the small canadian jujitsu beast puts down the weight and thinks calmy to himself 'victory'
the large fraternity beast feels embarrassed
at night chubby moby touches himself while looking at the ceiling with a neutral expression
at night the homeless rabbit takes a train to new york city to walk around and look at things
at night the white trash beasts sleep in front of a glowing tv screen showing an informercial for 'the ultimate collection of chart topping classic southern rock hits'
at night the skinny beast types emails to the quiet beast while listening to a frustrated person sing 'i'm not proud of being a man'
at night the inventor beast stares at a giant bathroom wall covered with mirrors and thinks 'i have not learned enough'
at night the quiet beast stops itself from crying over past mistakes and thinks about the possibility of change then quietly falls asleep
3:11 PM
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Sunday, July 16, 2006
SLUT PARTY
'Hey bitch!' says slut #1. Slut #2 turns around and looks at slut #1 and says, 'oh my god, that dress it too cute!'. They are in a Jamba Juice in New York City. They are very slutty. Slut #1 is wearing a hot pink dress that stops half-way down her ass. Underneath she is wearing a bright orange thong with neon green fishnet stockings. Slut #1 usually only shops from Victoria's Secret for all of her clothing but she recently started making her own because Victoria's Secret 'just wasn't hot enough'. Slut #1 works for her father's business on Wall Street. Her job is to sit still at a desk for 4 hours and answer the phone. When she answers the phone she is supposed to ask who is calling and who they would like to talk to. If she correctly transfers the call to the right person at least once during her 4 hour work day she gets a $300 bonus in addition to her regular salary of $800 a day. She never went to college. She is scheduled to work 5 days a week but usally only makes it into the office 3 times a week due to hangovers and because she never correctly transfers any of the phone calls her father gives her a $600 bonus if she looks nice to make her feel better whenever she shows up for work. Slut #2 is wearing a tweed miniskirt with a white blouse that is only buttoned half-way to expose her black lace bra. She is slutty but not as slutty as slut #1. They both order strawberry banana smoothies and then walk over to a table to sit down. They are expecting slut #3. She is late.
'Oh my god, i can't believe Brittany is late,' says slut #1.
'i know, right? what a dumb bitch-ass shit,' says slut #2.
'Dumb bitch-ass shit! that was like so funny!
Slut #1 high-fives Slut #2. Slut #3 is walking through the door. She is completely naked.
Slut #2 says 'Hey Brit! Holy-shit your outift is bitching today'.
Slut #1 is too shocked to say anything. She knows that Slut #3 has surpassed her sluttiness. She is jealous.
Slut #3 says ' thanks, i just broke up with my boyfriend. i thought i needed a new look to cheer myself up'.
Slut #3 sits down at the table with Slut #1 and Slut #2. The manager of Jamba Juice walks over to their table. He stands in front of Slut #3 and says 'I'm going to have to ask you to leave. You're not wearing any clothes. You have to leave.' Slut #3 starts crying. Slut #2 comforts her. Slut #3 says 'Oh my god, i can't believe you don't like my new outfit'. The manager stares and looks confused. He says, ' you aren't wearing any clothes. that is not a new outfit. you are completely naked. what the fuck is wrong with you?'. Slut # 3 says 'what?'. Slut #1 pulls the manager over to the corner of the store and says 'listen, I work on Wall Street. I am rich. Here is $100.' She hands him a $100 bill and he walks away without saying anything.
Slut #2 stands and leaves and comes back.
'oh my god,' says Slut #1.
'I know, right,' says Slut #3. She rubs an ice cube on her nipple.
'I just fucked three guys in the bathroom,' says Slut #2.
There is cum sauce on her cheeks and forehead.
Slut #4, Slut #5, and Slut #6 are on the 19th floor of the Donald Trump building in Lower Manhattan.
They are tied to three different beds. A machine is at the end of each bed. The machine makes a dildo go forward and backward.
The dildos go forward and backward into the sluts who are screaming, 'oh yes! oh yes!'
Slut #7 comes in and lays on the fourth bed. An immigrant worker from Mexico ties Slut #7 to the fourth bed and turns on the fourth machine. The immigrant worker is a forty-six year old woman who is paid minimum wage and lives in a room in Queens with seven other people.
Donald Trump is sitting at his desk. He is drawing a cartoon of a small taco on his planner. The phone rings but he ignores it. He calls his secretary in and says 'bring me a very large taco. right now. or you're fired.' The secretary says 'okay' and then leaves to go get the taco. She's pissed.
Donald Trump opens up the top left drawer of his desk. Inside is a tv screen. The tv screens are showing the sluts on the 19th floor. He opens the top right drawer. It also has a tv screen. One slut yells 'oh sweet jesus!' and Donald Trump touches himself. Donald Trump is slut #1 and slut #7's father. Slut #7 is being ramed with a dildo on the 19th floor of his building. He is watching. He touches himself.
The secretary returns with a very large taco. When she opens the door Donald Trump comes in his pants. There is cum sauce all over his $1500 Armani suit. He says, 'I just got cum sauce all over my $1500 Armani suit. Go get me a new clean suit. right now. or you're fired.' The secretary says 'okay' and leaves to get him a new suit. The secretary gets paid $10 an hour. She has to shoplift her clothes from Saks 5th avenue so that she won't get fired for wearing shitty clothes. One time Donald Trump masturbated on one of her skirts while she was wearing it because he said it was too 'ugly and cheap'. She writes books and likes marine biology.
Slut #1, #2, and #3 are walking from the rector st. subway station to The Donald Trump building. Slut #1's left breast pops out of her hot pink dress but she keeps walking without fixing it. Slut #3 already has a new boyfriend. He is walking beside her. He is only wearing a pair of torn blue jeans.
Slut #1 says 'oh my fucking god, your new boyfriend is so hot. im totally jealous.'
Slut #2 says 'he is so fucking ripped. i want his dick in my mouth. like 24/7. uh.. yeah.'
Slut #3 says 'i know, right.'
Her boyfriend doesn't say anything. He just walks straight ahead smiling. His expression never changes.
'Oh my god, i can't believe Brittany is late,' says slut #1.
'i know, right? what a dumb bitch-ass shit,' says slut #2.
'Dumb bitch-ass shit! that was like so funny!
Slut #1 high-fives Slut #2. Slut #3 is walking through the door. She is completely naked.
Slut #2 says 'Hey Brit! Holy-shit your outift is bitching today'.
Slut #1 is too shocked to say anything. She knows that Slut #3 has surpassed her sluttiness. She is jealous.
Slut #3 says ' thanks, i just broke up with my boyfriend. i thought i needed a new look to cheer myself up'.
Slut #3 sits down at the table with Slut #1 and Slut #2. The manager of Jamba Juice walks over to their table. He stands in front of Slut #3 and says 'I'm going to have to ask you to leave. You're not wearing any clothes. You have to leave.' Slut #3 starts crying. Slut #2 comforts her. Slut #3 says 'Oh my god, i can't believe you don't like my new outfit'. The manager stares and looks confused. He says, ' you aren't wearing any clothes. that is not a new outfit. you are completely naked. what the fuck is wrong with you?'. Slut # 3 says 'what?'. Slut #1 pulls the manager over to the corner of the store and says 'listen, I work on Wall Street. I am rich. Here is $100.' She hands him a $100 bill and he walks away without saying anything.
Slut #2 stands and leaves and comes back.
'oh my god,' says Slut #1.
'I know, right,' says Slut #3. She rubs an ice cube on her nipple.
'I just fucked three guys in the bathroom,' says Slut #2.
There is cum sauce on her cheeks and forehead.
Slut #4, Slut #5, and Slut #6 are on the 19th floor of the Donald Trump building in Lower Manhattan.
They are tied to three different beds. A machine is at the end of each bed. The machine makes a dildo go forward and backward.
The dildos go forward and backward into the sluts who are screaming, 'oh yes! oh yes!'
Slut #7 comes in and lays on the fourth bed. An immigrant worker from Mexico ties Slut #7 to the fourth bed and turns on the fourth machine. The immigrant worker is a forty-six year old woman who is paid minimum wage and lives in a room in Queens with seven other people.
Donald Trump is sitting at his desk. He is drawing a cartoon of a small taco on his planner. The phone rings but he ignores it. He calls his secretary in and says 'bring me a very large taco. right now. or you're fired.' The secretary says 'okay' and then leaves to go get the taco. She's pissed.
Donald Trump opens up the top left drawer of his desk. Inside is a tv screen. The tv screens are showing the sluts on the 19th floor. He opens the top right drawer. It also has a tv screen. One slut yells 'oh sweet jesus!' and Donald Trump touches himself. Donald Trump is slut #1 and slut #7's father. Slut #7 is being ramed with a dildo on the 19th floor of his building. He is watching. He touches himself.
The secretary returns with a very large taco. When she opens the door Donald Trump comes in his pants. There is cum sauce all over his $1500 Armani suit. He says, 'I just got cum sauce all over my $1500 Armani suit. Go get me a new clean suit. right now. or you're fired.' The secretary says 'okay' and leaves to get him a new suit. The secretary gets paid $10 an hour. She has to shoplift her clothes from Saks 5th avenue so that she won't get fired for wearing shitty clothes. One time Donald Trump masturbated on one of her skirts while she was wearing it because he said it was too 'ugly and cheap'. She writes books and likes marine biology.
Slut #1, #2, and #3 are walking from the rector st. subway station to The Donald Trump building. Slut #1's left breast pops out of her hot pink dress but she keeps walking without fixing it. Slut #3 already has a new boyfriend. He is walking beside her. He is only wearing a pair of torn blue jeans.
Slut #1 says 'oh my fucking god, your new boyfriend is so hot. im totally jealous.'
Slut #2 says 'he is so fucking ripped. i want his dick in my mouth. like 24/7. uh.. yeah.'
Slut #3 says 'i know, right.'
Her boyfriend doesn't say anything. He just walks straight ahead smiling. His expression never changes.
They arrive at the Trump Building. They go up to Donald Trumps office on the 30th floor. Slut #1 and #2 sit down in front of his desk. He tells Slut #3 to get on his desk and bend over on her hands and knees. He smacks her ass and she giggles. Her boyfriend is staring off in the distance with the same smile. Slut #1's tit is still hanging out.
Donald Trump is wearing the clean suit. He says 'girls, i want to fuck each and every one of you up the ass right now.' The girls laugh. Slut #3's boyfriend is still staring. Slut #2 says 'oh Donald, you're so funny. you're so fucking goddamn funny.' Donald Trump says, 'i know. here's $5000 for the three of you. Go buy some new hot outfits because you have been boring me lately. i can barely get it up. im serious. get the fuck out of here you ugly ass bitch cunts. tee hee.' They all get up and leave.
Slut #1 and #2 are standing outside the Trump Building. Slut #3 is missing again.
'fuck that stupid bitch.' says Slut #1.
Slut #2 reaches under her skirt to pull out her thong which is stuck up her ass. While she is doing this Slut #3 walks out with one of the janitors. The janitor lives in the same room in Queens with the immigrant worker on the 19th floor.
slut #3 says 'hey bitches, check out my new boyfriend.'
The janitor just smiles and nods. He doesn't speak any english.
"ooo he's cute. what happened to the other one? you just started dating him this morning.' says slut #2
'yeah well he was too demanding. I just couldnt take it anymore.'
'Did you even have sex yet?'
'Oh yeah we fucked like 10 times while you guys were out here waiting. We did it in Donald's desk.'
'oh, that sounds hot.'
'it totally was. I even told my new boyfriend to fuck me up the ass while i still on top of the old one.'The janitor nods again. He looks confused. Slut #1 quickly sticks her finger in his ass while the other sluts aren't paying attention. The janitor just smiles and nods.
Donald Trump is taking a bath. His bathtub is made of gold. He calls an escort service.
'This is Donald Trump. I want to ass fuck a sixteen-year-old asian. You know the address. Wait.'
Donald Trump doesn't want to ass fuck a sixteen-year-old asian anymore.
'Never mind,' Donald Trump says. He hangs up. He slaps his penis a little with two fingers. Donald Trump's penis floats in the bath tub a little. Donald Trump slaps it some more. 'Slap that ass,' Donald Trump says. He slaps his penis with two fingers in the water a little.
Donald Trump screams, 'Henri.'
The forty-six year old woman runs in the bathroom. Her name is Henrietta.
'Rub my crotch,' Donald Trump says staring at his limp penis. 'Never mind. Get away from me. Go home.'
Donald Trump stares at his penis until his vision blurs then leaves the bathtub, opens a drawer, and takes out a condom. The condom is made out of five-hundred-dollar bills. The five hundred dollar bills have rubber around it like lamination. He stares at the condom for a few minutes then puts it back into the drawer. He doesn't know why he did that.
Slut #2 and #1 are walking in Times Square. Slut #3 went back to her apartment to have sex with her new boyfriend. They walk past Bubba Gump Shrimp. A group of men are standing in a circle in the gift shop. They are all wearing Abercrombie and Fitch. Each outfit is the same except in a different color. Each outfit has Abercrombie and Fitch written on it 30 times in captial letters. They stare at the sluts asses as they walk by and make grunting noises.
Slut #2 says 'oh my god, did you see those guys checking out our asses? I can't believe that they just objectify us like that! i mean like, we work hard. men are such disgusting pigs.'
Slut #3 says ' oh i know right! I'm so sick of people thinking that i'm just some piece of meat to look at and fuck.'
Slut #2 says 'uh girl power, yeah.'
Slut #3 says 'oh hell yes!'
Brad Pitt walks by. There are fifty photographers behind him taking picutres. Brad Pitt smacks his ass and fifty camera flashes go off.
'oh. my. god. i want to fuck him so bad. so hot.' says slut #1. She licks her finger and then rubs her crotch a little. Slut #2 slaps Slut #1's breast for no reason and says 'i want his cum sauce all over my face. like right. now.' Slut #1 and #2 run over to Brad Pitt and start humping both of his legs. Brad Pitt just stands and smiles as fifty more camera flashes go off. A MTA bus swirves and drives up on the sidewalk killing Brad Pitt, Slut #1 and #2, and the fifty photographers. A homeless man quietly watches from the stoop of a building and smiles slightly.
Slut #8, slut #9, slut #10, and slut #11 are on their way to a sex orgy.
11:44 AM
0 comments
Monday, July 10, 2006
JAPANESE CHILDREN WITH DIGITAL CAMERAS IN A FIELD
in 1956 the japanese government create an organization to study 'japanese children with digital cameras in a field'
five japanese men are recruited from the top universities in japan for the organization
the organization is code-named 'italia'
the five men are code-named 'gigantor,' 'mimi,' 'lulu,' 'energy man,' and 'taiwan'
they meet in a secret underground studio apartment
the studio apartment has a refrigerator with two hundred energy drinks in it, a playpen with sixteen japanese babies in it, and five supercomputers with five rolling chairs in front of them
'gigantor,' 'mimi,' 'lulu,' 'energy man,' and 'taiwan' sit at the five supercomputers typing with their right hands while holding energy drinks with their left hands, which they had earlier calculated to be the most efficient way to conduct research
'energy man' can't stop grinning
he is thinking of his name
'energy man'
he thinks it is a sexy name
he looks over at 'lulu' and grins
'lulu' notices that he is looking at her and turns her head back towards her computer screen with indifference
'energy man' has been defeated
'lulu' stands and walks to 'gigantor' and drops a note in her lap
'gigantor' reads the the note which says 'meet me in the bathroom xoxo'
'lulu' and 'gigantor' meet in the bathroom
'gigantor' touches 'lulu' in the crotch
'lulu' says 'that's it; that's right'
'gigantor' moves closer to lulu and they gyrate against one another while both saying 'that's it; that's right'
'lulu' and 'gigantor' are both female but dressed as males because they are feminists
'taiwan' walks in the bathroom and sees 'lulu' and 'gigantor' saying in low, sexy voices 'that's it; that's right' while undulating against one another like giant sea anemone
'taiwan' is a man dressed as a woman dressed as a man
he feels excited when he sees that 'lulu' and 'gigantor' are females
he takes off his clothes and is female
he takes off his clothes again is male
he looks at them and grins like they are all going to bond now
'lulu' and 'gigantor' just stare down at the ground
'taiwan' gets dressed quickly and leaves
'taiwan' goes to feed the sixteen japanese babies in the playpen
he carries sixteen baby bento boxes and enters the playpen
the babies claw at 'taiwan' and bite 'taiwan'
'taiwan' falls down and the babies begin to crawl over him
'taiwan' screams
'gigantor,' 'lulu,' 'mimi,' and 'energy man' are all in the restroom having a gay lesbian bisexual transvestite orgy
the babies are in a baby pile and then they crawl away in different directions
there is one adult japanese skull
'gigantor,' 'lulu,' 'mimi,' and 'energy man' return from their gay lesbian bisexual transvestite orgy
the prime minister of japan is in their underground studio apartment
he tells them about the incident with 'taiwan'
he looks at 'gigantor'
'gigantor' begins to sweat profusely and shakes and then yells 'i'm not gay!'
'gigantor' runs outside and then runs across the street while screaming in agony
'gigantor' gets hit by a 2 foot by 1 foot electric-powered vehicle
the prime minister of japan thinks of something professional to do
he clasps his hands together and says 'okay!' and then leaves
ten years later 'lulu,' 'mimi,' 'energy man' and the sixteen babies are having a giant orgy in the glow of flourescent purple lights
the underground studio apartment has flourescent purple lights on the walls that say 'sex lair'
in his office the prime minister of japan looks at his to-do list and sees 'check progress of japanese digital camera children field'
he walks to his closet and sees eighteen lobstersuits
he puts on a green lobstersuit and makes poses in the wall mirror
he puts on a red lobstersuit and calls his secretary
he says to the secretary 'watch this' and crawls on the floor across his office while making lobster noises and pinching his claws in the air
he walks back to his mirror and grins at himself alone
he calls his secret service to bring a limo to the front of his office and escort him to it
the prime minister says 'take me to walmart'
the prime minister thinks about stealing sixteen digital cameras by walking out with them in a lobstersuit
he walks into walmart, smashes the glass case with the digital cameras in it, takes sixteen out, walks to the door, and walks back to the limo
no one sees anything
he thinks 'victory in japan'
the prime minister looks at his to-do list and sees 'check progress of japanese digital camera children field'
he draws a line over that and looks at the next item and sees 'start new governmental organization'
in his office the prime minister has an expression of intense concentration
after ten minutes the prime minister writes on a notepad 'organization to help depressed japanese businessmen commit suicide by going into a stadium where there is just one giant genetically-modified avocado continuously rolling around crushing people'
he touches his crotch a little
a single tear comes out of his left eye and goes a little down his cheek then stops
the prime minister opens up the left drawer of his desk
inside is a handgun
he opens up the right drawer of his desk
inside is a bottle of taurine dietary supplements and a regular nintendo, duck hunt
he picks the right drawer
he plugs in the regular nintendo, takes six taurine pills, and beats duck hunt in fifteen minutes
after the taurine induced nintendo rampage the prime minister feels empty
he throws the taurine pills against the wall and looks at the left drawer
the prime minister takes the handgun and tapes it to the side of his head so that it points forward by his eye
he opens another drawer and takes another handgun and tapes it to the other side of his head
the prime minister walks outside into his limo and says 'drive to china'
the limo driver drives to the ocean and then drives into the ocean
the limo drives on the bottom of the ocean for three miles and then drops into a 10,000 foot deep trench in the okhotsk sea
halfway down the limo hits a 2000 pound jewfish
the jewfish turns upside-down and slowly floats to the top of the okhotsk sea
the jewfish floats to the shore of the okhotsk sea
a small arm holding a digital camera punches through the belly of the jewfish
the belly splits open and a small japanese boy holding a digital camera climbs out
another small japanese boy climbs out
fifty japanese children holding digital cameras climb out of the jewfish
the japanese children walk across the beach and into a field
fifty japanese children holding digital cameras are standing in a field
thirty minutes later fifty japanese children holding digital cameras are having an orgy in a field
after ten minutes a japanese child leaves the orgy and walks fifteen feet away and takes a digital photograph of the orgy and re-enters the orgy
after one hour it is nighttime and the field is dark
a japanese child leaves the orgy and walks fifteen feet away from the orgy and takes a digital photograph of the orgy with flash
the japanese children leave the orgy in steady and continuous rotation to take flash photography so that the orgy is always bright
there is a bright pile of japanese children orgy in a field
five japanese men are recruited from the top universities in japan for the organization
the organization is code-named 'italia'
the five men are code-named 'gigantor,' 'mimi,' 'lulu,' 'energy man,' and 'taiwan'
they meet in a secret underground studio apartment
the studio apartment has a refrigerator with two hundred energy drinks in it, a playpen with sixteen japanese babies in it, and five supercomputers with five rolling chairs in front of them
'gigantor,' 'mimi,' 'lulu,' 'energy man,' and 'taiwan' sit at the five supercomputers typing with their right hands while holding energy drinks with their left hands, which they had earlier calculated to be the most efficient way to conduct research
'energy man' can't stop grinning
he is thinking of his name
'energy man'
he thinks it is a sexy name
he looks over at 'lulu' and grins
'lulu' notices that he is looking at her and turns her head back towards her computer screen with indifference
'energy man' has been defeated
'lulu' stands and walks to 'gigantor' and drops a note in her lap
'gigantor' reads the the note which says 'meet me in the bathroom xoxo'
'lulu' and 'gigantor' meet in the bathroom
'gigantor' touches 'lulu' in the crotch
'lulu' says 'that's it; that's right'
'gigantor' moves closer to lulu and they gyrate against one another while both saying 'that's it; that's right'
'lulu' and 'gigantor' are both female but dressed as males because they are feminists
'taiwan' walks in the bathroom and sees 'lulu' and 'gigantor' saying in low, sexy voices 'that's it; that's right' while undulating against one another like giant sea anemone
'taiwan' is a man dressed as a woman dressed as a man
he feels excited when he sees that 'lulu' and 'gigantor' are females
he takes off his clothes and is female
he takes off his clothes again is male
he looks at them and grins like they are all going to bond now
'lulu' and 'gigantor' just stare down at the ground
'taiwan' gets dressed quickly and leaves
'taiwan' goes to feed the sixteen japanese babies in the playpen
he carries sixteen baby bento boxes and enters the playpen
the babies claw at 'taiwan' and bite 'taiwan'
'taiwan' falls down and the babies begin to crawl over him
'taiwan' screams
'gigantor,' 'lulu,' 'mimi,' and 'energy man' are all in the restroom having a gay lesbian bisexual transvestite orgy
the babies are in a baby pile and then they crawl away in different directions
there is one adult japanese skull
'gigantor,' 'lulu,' 'mimi,' and 'energy man' return from their gay lesbian bisexual transvestite orgy
the prime minister of japan is in their underground studio apartment
he tells them about the incident with 'taiwan'
he looks at 'gigantor'
'gigantor' begins to sweat profusely and shakes and then yells 'i'm not gay!'
'gigantor' runs outside and then runs across the street while screaming in agony
'gigantor' gets hit by a 2 foot by 1 foot electric-powered vehicle
the prime minister of japan thinks of something professional to do
he clasps his hands together and says 'okay!' and then leaves
ten years later 'lulu,' 'mimi,' 'energy man' and the sixteen babies are having a giant orgy in the glow of flourescent purple lights
the underground studio apartment has flourescent purple lights on the walls that say 'sex lair'
in his office the prime minister of japan looks at his to-do list and sees 'check progress of japanese digital camera children field'
he walks to his closet and sees eighteen lobstersuits
he puts on a green lobstersuit and makes poses in the wall mirror
he puts on a red lobstersuit and calls his secretary
he says to the secretary 'watch this' and crawls on the floor across his office while making lobster noises and pinching his claws in the air
he walks back to his mirror and grins at himself alone
he calls his secret service to bring a limo to the front of his office and escort him to it
the prime minister says 'take me to walmart'
the prime minister thinks about stealing sixteen digital cameras by walking out with them in a lobstersuit
he walks into walmart, smashes the glass case with the digital cameras in it, takes sixteen out, walks to the door, and walks back to the limo
no one sees anything
he thinks 'victory in japan'
the prime minister looks at his to-do list and sees 'check progress of japanese digital camera children field'
he draws a line over that and looks at the next item and sees 'start new governmental organization'
in his office the prime minister has an expression of intense concentration
after ten minutes the prime minister writes on a notepad 'organization to help depressed japanese businessmen commit suicide by going into a stadium where there is just one giant genetically-modified avocado continuously rolling around crushing people'
he touches his crotch a little
a single tear comes out of his left eye and goes a little down his cheek then stops
the prime minister opens up the left drawer of his desk
inside is a handgun
he opens up the right drawer of his desk
inside is a bottle of taurine dietary supplements and a regular nintendo, duck hunt
he picks the right drawer
he plugs in the regular nintendo, takes six taurine pills, and beats duck hunt in fifteen minutes
after the taurine induced nintendo rampage the prime minister feels empty
he throws the taurine pills against the wall and looks at the left drawer
the prime minister takes the handgun and tapes it to the side of his head so that it points forward by his eye
he opens another drawer and takes another handgun and tapes it to the other side of his head
the prime minister walks outside into his limo and says 'drive to china'
the limo driver drives to the ocean and then drives into the ocean
the limo drives on the bottom of the ocean for three miles and then drops into a 10,000 foot deep trench in the okhotsk sea
halfway down the limo hits a 2000 pound jewfish
the jewfish turns upside-down and slowly floats to the top of the okhotsk sea
the jewfish floats to the shore of the okhotsk sea
a small arm holding a digital camera punches through the belly of the jewfish
the belly splits open and a small japanese boy holding a digital camera climbs out
another small japanese boy climbs out
fifty japanese children holding digital cameras climb out of the jewfish
the japanese children walk across the beach and into a field
fifty japanese children holding digital cameras are standing in a field
thirty minutes later fifty japanese children holding digital cameras are having an orgy in a field
after ten minutes a japanese child leaves the orgy and walks fifteen feet away and takes a digital photograph of the orgy and re-enters the orgy
after one hour it is nighttime and the field is dark
a japanese child leaves the orgy and walks fifteen feet away from the orgy and takes a digital photograph of the orgy with flash
the japanese children leave the orgy in steady and continuous rotation to take flash photography so that the orgy is always bright
there is a bright pile of japanese children orgy in a field
9:08 PM
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Saturday, July 01, 2006
THE INTOLERANT HOMOSEXUAL
the intolerant homosexual is a little obese and has 108 photos of himself on facebook
it is an asian
in creative writing class the asian intolerant homosexual says, 'all your stories are the same'
the asian intolerant homosexual says, 'all hipsters must die'
the asian intolerant homosexual says, 'eating animals is fun and tasty'
it is an asian
in creative writing class the asian intolerant homosexual says, 'all your stories are the same'
the asian intolerant homosexual says, 'all hipsters must die'
the asian intolerant homosexual says, 'eating animals is fun and tasty'
2:29 PM
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HOW TO STEAL FROM WAL-MART, AMERICAN APPAREL, WHOLE FOODS, DUANE READE, VIRGIN MEGASTORE, K-MART, AND OTHER PLACES AND WHY YOU SHOULD
HOW TO STEAL CDS FROM VIRGIN MEGASTORE AND RESELL THEM TO GENERATION RECORDS
IN MANHATTAN TAKE THE N, W, 4, 5, OR 6 TRAIN TO TIMES SQUARE OR UNION SQUARE.
IN TIMES SQUARE ASK SOMEONE WHERE THE VIRGIN MEGASTORE IS.
ASK SOMEONE IN A STORE BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE IS A TOURIST.
IN UNION SQUARE WHEN YOU WALK OUTSIDE YOU CAN SEE THE VIRGIN MEGASTORE.
THERE IT IS.
YOU SHOULD HAVE A DUFFEL BAG OR SHOULDER BAG.
GO INSIDE AND WALK AROUND A LITTLE.
CHOOSE CDS WITH PAPER CASES.
SOME HAVE WHITE SECURITY TAGS ON THEM. YOU NEED TO REMOVE THE WHITE SECURITY TAGS
WALK AROUND WITH A DISTRACTED OR ALOOF LOOK ON YOUR FACE AND REMOVE THE TAGS WITHOUT LOOKING AT THE CD.
IF YOU ARE LOOKING DOWN AT THE CD PEOPLE WILL LOOK AT WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING AT. ALSO YOU NEED TO USE YOUR EYES TO LOOK IF ANY EMPLOYEES ARE WALKING AROUND.
YOU WANT TO REMOVE THE ENTIRE PLASTIC COVER OF THE CD CASE.
YOU WANT TO DO THAT BECAUSE WHEN YOU LEAVE THE STORE AND BEEP OR IF SOMEONE ELSE BEEPS THEY WILL WANT TO LOOK IN YOUR BAG.
IF THE PLASTIC IS OFF THE CD YOU CAN JUST TELL THEM THAT YOU BROUGHT THE CD INTO THE STORE.
THE SAME WITH DVDS.
IF YOU REALLY WANT TO BE SAFE AND JUST WANT THE CDS OR DVDS FOR YOURSELF AND NOT TO RESELL TO AN INDEPENDENT STORE YOU CAN REMOVE THE CDS OR DVDS FROM THE CASE AND THEN PUT THE CDS OR DVDS IN YOUR BAG THAT WAY.
JUST MAKE SURE YOU LOOK REALLY DISTRACTED OR ALOOF WHEN REMOVING THE PACKAGING SO THAT IF AN EMPLOYEE STOPS YOU YOU CAN SAY, 'OH, I WASN'T EVEN PAYING ATTENTION,' AND THEN SAY THAT YOU WERE BUYING IT ALREADY SO YOU FORGOT AND THOUGHT YOU ALREADY OWNED IT.
[not done yet]
IN MANHATTAN TAKE THE N, W, 4, 5, OR 6 TRAIN TO TIMES SQUARE OR UNION SQUARE.
IN TIMES SQUARE ASK SOMEONE WHERE THE VIRGIN MEGASTORE IS.
ASK SOMEONE IN A STORE BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE IS A TOURIST.
IN UNION SQUARE WHEN YOU WALK OUTSIDE YOU CAN SEE THE VIRGIN MEGASTORE.
THERE IT IS.
YOU SHOULD HAVE A DUFFEL BAG OR SHOULDER BAG.
GO INSIDE AND WALK AROUND A LITTLE.
CHOOSE CDS WITH PAPER CASES.
SOME HAVE WHITE SECURITY TAGS ON THEM. YOU NEED TO REMOVE THE WHITE SECURITY TAGS
WALK AROUND WITH A DISTRACTED OR ALOOF LOOK ON YOUR FACE AND REMOVE THE TAGS WITHOUT LOOKING AT THE CD.
IF YOU ARE LOOKING DOWN AT THE CD PEOPLE WILL LOOK AT WHAT YOU ARE LOOKING AT. ALSO YOU NEED TO USE YOUR EYES TO LOOK IF ANY EMPLOYEES ARE WALKING AROUND.
YOU WANT TO REMOVE THE ENTIRE PLASTIC COVER OF THE CD CASE.
YOU WANT TO DO THAT BECAUSE WHEN YOU LEAVE THE STORE AND BEEP OR IF SOMEONE ELSE BEEPS THEY WILL WANT TO LOOK IN YOUR BAG.
IF THE PLASTIC IS OFF THE CD YOU CAN JUST TELL THEM THAT YOU BROUGHT THE CD INTO THE STORE.
THE SAME WITH DVDS.
IF YOU REALLY WANT TO BE SAFE AND JUST WANT THE CDS OR DVDS FOR YOURSELF AND NOT TO RESELL TO AN INDEPENDENT STORE YOU CAN REMOVE THE CDS OR DVDS FROM THE CASE AND THEN PUT THE CDS OR DVDS IN YOUR BAG THAT WAY.
JUST MAKE SURE YOU LOOK REALLY DISTRACTED OR ALOOF WHEN REMOVING THE PACKAGING SO THAT IF AN EMPLOYEE STOPS YOU YOU CAN SAY, 'OH, I WASN'T EVEN PAYING ATTENTION,' AND THEN SAY THAT YOU WERE BUYING IT ALREADY SO YOU FORGOT AND THOUGHT YOU ALREADY OWNED IT.
[not done yet]
2:27 PM
0 comments
CHEESE BEAST
The cheese beast lays in bed watching Shrek.
The beast is eating crab rangoon.
Crab rangoon is crab and cheese fried.
Shrek's girlfriend is a cheese beast.
The cheese beast watches the cheese beast on TV and puts four crab rangoons in her mouth.
The cheese beast rolls over and falls asleep.
The cheese beast is at a Japanese restaurant that also has Chinese food.
The cheese beast stares at the menu.
The waitress comes.
"Crab rangoon," says the beast.
The cheese beast is at the gym.
At home the cheese beast eats a double bacon cheeseburger with mayonnaise, extra bacon, and nacho cheese dipping sauce.
The cheese beast lays in bed watching King Kong.
The nacho cheese dipping sauce was in a soup bowl.
A cheese beast struggles to get into the front seat of its car.
A cheese beast roars a little in distress as it gets stuck in a subway turnstile.
Two cheese beasts run toward a funnel cake booth.
A cheese beast is sitting in its living eating icing out of a jar with a spoon while watching oprah.
the cheese beast is in a mexican restaurant in san antonio texas. the cheese beast orders chicken enchiladas and two bowls of guacamole. as an appetizer the restaurant puts a basket of tortilla chips and a bowl of salsa on the table. the cheese beast eats two baskets of tortilla chips with three bowls of salsa. when the waiter brings the cheese beast its food the cheese beast orders four more bowls of salsa and a bowl of sour cream. the cheese beast mixes the sour cream, salsa, and guacamole together and dips an enchilada in it. after the beast eats all of the chicken enchiladas it takes a spoon and eats the remaining mixture of sour cream, salsa, and guacamole out of the bowl. once the cheese beast eats all of the mixture it stares blankly while the waiter takes away its plates. there are a few old tortilla chips left over in a basket. the cheese beast stares at the basket blankly then eats the rest. for dessert the cheese beast orders mexican fried ice cream with extra chocolate sauce. the cheese beast consumes the fried ice cream in 3 minutes then licks the plate. the cheese beast is finished.
the next day the cheese beast decides it wants seafood. the cheese beast calls in an order to a take out seafood restaurant. the beast orders fried shrimp. the beast gets in the car and starts driving to pick up the fried shrimp. when pulling out of a driveway a car tries to go down the same driveway. the beast backs up, flashing its high beams, and waits for the car to move. the car doesn't move. the beast gets angry and flashes the high beams really fast. the beast says 'hurry up asshole'. the car finally moves out of the way. the beast leaves the driveway and says 'i have zero tolerance for assholes tonight'. it picks up the fried shrimp and eats it in the car with a look of content.
the cheese beast is in new york city
the cheese beast is tired
there is construction on the George Washington Bridge
the beast gets stuck in traffic
the beast shouts 'stupid ignorant assholes' as six cars pass the beast in the emergency lane
the cheese beasts daughter is with the beast
they are visiting colleges
the beast keeps saying 'i'm tired'
on the way home the beast says 'i'm tired'
then beast says 'i want sushi'
the beast tells its daughter order fried shrimp sushi
the daughter calls, there is a 45 minute wait for sushi
the beast grunts and rolls its eyes and says 'well then i guess I'M not getting anything'
the beasts daughter orders seaweed salad
the beast drives to pick up the food
the beasts says 'i'm tired'
when the beast gets home it opens up a package it got in the mail
it is the beast's new casino computer game
the beast immediately goes to the computer, installs the game, and plays casino for 50 minutes
the daughter is waiting to email her nice quiet hamster friend
the daughter looks at the beast playing casino and says 'i thought you just wanted to go to bed?'
the beast says 'shut up, okay? i've had a long day. i am BEYOND tired'
the daughter walks away and reads a short story by joy williams.
The beast is eating crab rangoon.
Crab rangoon is crab and cheese fried.
Shrek's girlfriend is a cheese beast.
The cheese beast watches the cheese beast on TV and puts four crab rangoons in her mouth.
The cheese beast rolls over and falls asleep.
The cheese beast is at a Japanese restaurant that also has Chinese food.
The cheese beast stares at the menu.
The waitress comes.
"Crab rangoon," says the beast.
The cheese beast is at the gym.
At home the cheese beast eats a double bacon cheeseburger with mayonnaise, extra bacon, and nacho cheese dipping sauce.
The cheese beast lays in bed watching King Kong.
The nacho cheese dipping sauce was in a soup bowl.
A cheese beast struggles to get into the front seat of its car.
A cheese beast roars a little in distress as it gets stuck in a subway turnstile.
Two cheese beasts run toward a funnel cake booth.
A cheese beast is sitting in its living eating icing out of a jar with a spoon while watching oprah.
the cheese beast is in a mexican restaurant in san antonio texas. the cheese beast orders chicken enchiladas and two bowls of guacamole. as an appetizer the restaurant puts a basket of tortilla chips and a bowl of salsa on the table. the cheese beast eats two baskets of tortilla chips with three bowls of salsa. when the waiter brings the cheese beast its food the cheese beast orders four more bowls of salsa and a bowl of sour cream. the cheese beast mixes the sour cream, salsa, and guacamole together and dips an enchilada in it. after the beast eats all of the chicken enchiladas it takes a spoon and eats the remaining mixture of sour cream, salsa, and guacamole out of the bowl. once the cheese beast eats all of the mixture it stares blankly while the waiter takes away its plates. there are a few old tortilla chips left over in a basket. the cheese beast stares at the basket blankly then eats the rest. for dessert the cheese beast orders mexican fried ice cream with extra chocolate sauce. the cheese beast consumes the fried ice cream in 3 minutes then licks the plate. the cheese beast is finished.
the next day the cheese beast decides it wants seafood. the cheese beast calls in an order to a take out seafood restaurant. the beast orders fried shrimp. the beast gets in the car and starts driving to pick up the fried shrimp. when pulling out of a driveway a car tries to go down the same driveway. the beast backs up, flashing its high beams, and waits for the car to move. the car doesn't move. the beast gets angry and flashes the high beams really fast. the beast says 'hurry up asshole'. the car finally moves out of the way. the beast leaves the driveway and says 'i have zero tolerance for assholes tonight'. it picks up the fried shrimp and eats it in the car with a look of content.
the cheese beast is in new york city
the cheese beast is tired
there is construction on the George Washington Bridge
the beast gets stuck in traffic
the beast shouts 'stupid ignorant assholes' as six cars pass the beast in the emergency lane
the cheese beasts daughter is with the beast
they are visiting colleges
the beast keeps saying 'i'm tired'
on the way home the beast says 'i'm tired'
then beast says 'i want sushi'
the beast tells its daughter order fried shrimp sushi
the daughter calls, there is a 45 minute wait for sushi
the beast grunts and rolls its eyes and says 'well then i guess I'M not getting anything'
the beasts daughter orders seaweed salad
the beast drives to pick up the food
the beasts says 'i'm tired'
when the beast gets home it opens up a package it got in the mail
it is the beast's new casino computer game
the beast immediately goes to the computer, installs the game, and plays casino for 50 minutes
the daughter is waiting to email her nice quiet hamster friend
the daughter looks at the beast playing casino and says 'i thought you just wanted to go to bed?'
the beast says 'shut up, okay? i've had a long day. i am BEYOND tired'
the daughter walks away and reads a short story by joy williams.
2:14 PM
0 comments